Friday Funny…

WALMART APPLICATION:

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen

submitted to Walmart in Arkansas . They hired him because he was so funny…..

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Man)

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously,

whatever is available . If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a severance

package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and

post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be

‘Do you have a car that runs?’

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the

greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE….7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

Advertisements

Garfield on the oil crisis…


A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there’s a very simple answer.

~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn’t know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA, California, Costal Florida, Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Wyoming, Utah, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania
And
Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC
Any Questions? NO?… Didn’t think So.

Prison vs Work…

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer!!!

@ PRISON

@ WORK

you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell

@ PRISON

you spend the majority of your time

in an 6X6 cubicle /office

@ WORK

you get three meals a day fully paid for

@ PRISON

you get a break for one meal and

you have to pay for it

@ WORK

you get time off for good behavior

you get more work for

good behavior

@ PRISON

the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you

@ PRISON

@ WORK

you must often carry a security card

and open all the doors for yourself

@ WORK

you can watch TV and play games

@ PRISON

you could get fired for watching

TV and playing games

@ WORK

you get your own toilet

@ PRISON

you have to share the toilet with

some people who pee on the seat

@ WORK

they allow your family and friends to visit

@ PRISON

you aren’t even supposed to speak

to your family

@ WORK

all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required

you get to pay all your expenses to go

to work, and they deduct taxes from

your salary to pay for prisoners

@ PRISON

you must deal with sadistic wardens

@ WORK

they are called managers

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!

I think I have found my cure…

After months of chemo, surgery, and other things, I think I have done my research and found a cure for my cancer. I figure if I sit in this thing for ten minutes a day, I can get a good ab workout and work off my cancer. I give you…the Hawaii chair!

Guy Speak Defined…

Let’s face it guys, we have our own lingo. Not many people understand it, but we get it. I hope that I am not breaking any man laws here, but I need to get a few out there so the women really know what we are saying. Luckily, our friends at Familyman Ministries has defined our top phrases. Here they are:

  1. “IT’S A GUY THING”
    Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
  2. “CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
    Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
  3. “UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR”
    Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
  4. “IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
    Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
  5. “TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”
    Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
  6. “THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
    Translated: “Are you still talking?”
  7. “YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
    Translated: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop,’ the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I’ve ever owned… but I forgot your birthday.”
  8. “OH, DON’T FUSS — I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
    Translated: “I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”
  9. “HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING.”
    Translated: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
  10. “I CAN’T FIND IT.”
    Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
  11. “WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
    Translated: “What did you catch me at?”
  12. “I HEARD YOU.”
    Translated: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.”
  13. “YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
    Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse.”
  14. “YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”
    Translated: “Oh, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”
  15. “I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
    Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”
  16. “WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.”
    Translated: “I make the messes; she cleans them up.”

I cannot be quiet anymore…

This Saturday will mark a major milestone.  This Saturday will mark the one week anniversary of michigan’s loss to Appalachian State.  I’m so taken I might shed a tear…yeah, right!

A friend came across the following article and I need to share it.  Finally,  Lloyd Carr is seeing himself and his team for who they really are.  Enjoy the read:

Michigan To Schedule Pee Wee Team For Next Year’s Season Opener

By MATTHEW MONROE
ANN ARBOR—In the wake of their embarrassing loss to Division 1-AA Appalachian State, Michigan has announced they will play the Barton Hills Blue Birds of the Ann Arbor-area under 10 youth division in next year’s season opener.

Appalachian State, of the Football Championship Subdivision (formerly called Division 1-AA), beat the fifth ranked Wolverines despite the fact that Michigan had virtually all their starters returning on offense and were expected to compete for Big Ten and national titles this year.
“Sure, the media thought we were good,” said a dejected Lloyd Carr.  “But I see us practice everyday.  I knew how bad we really were.  That’s why we tried to schedule as lightly as possible.  “But still I really believed a Division 1-AA team would be horrible enough for even us to beat.  We have 24 more scholarships, millions more dollars, better players, better coaches, and a crowd of over 110,000 loyal fans behind us.  “However, I underestimated three major things: the heart of Appalachian St, the level of talent in Division 1-AA, and exactly how bad the University of Michigan really is.”

Carr was clearly upset but said he would use the loss as a lesson:
“The egos of our players are very fragile right now.  Next year we’re hoping to gain confidence by starting the season by beating up on a bunch of 9 year old kids and then building up to Division 1-AA football.”
A reporter suggested they perhaps start with a Division III team as opposed to a team half their age, a quarter their size, and more concerned with where they’re going to get pizza after the game than winning.
Carr responded, “We’re not taking any chances.  Frankly, I think a team like Mt. Union would have beaten us by 3 touchdowns.”  And that’s why Carr has chosen the Blue Birds.  “We’ve already done the research.  They’re the worst Pee Wee football team in the area, they didn’t complete a single pass last year, and their leading rusher is a girl.  So I’m fairly certain we can take them.  “But we’re not going to show any mercy.  Being a Wolverine means always giving your best effort, regardless of whether you’re tackling a Heisman winner in the Rose Bowl or tackling a 9 year old girl.”
But this was the last season opener for several seniors and they seemed saddened that they blew their last shot.  “I’ve lost to Ohio State every year, but this is the one that really stings,” said running back Michael Hart.  “I wish I could come back for another year just to play in the season opener.  I really want to redeem myself.  It’d feel good to beat those little kids.”

But redemption may come soon for Hart and the Wolverines.  Their opponent in two weeks will be a definite downgrade from Division 1-AA when they face the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame.

 DISCLAIMER: This is not a real article and is only intended to poke fun at michigan.  No actual wolverines were harmed in the writing of this article.

Friday Funny…

Yes, it’s true, I am a Monty Python fan. The Search for the Holy Grail is one of the best movies ever made. So, here is the Black Knight fight scene. Sorry, there is some language, but very funny none the less.