Friday Funny…

WALMART APPLICATION:

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen

submitted to Walmart in Arkansas . They hired him because he was so funny…..

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Man)

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously,

whatever is available . If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a severance

package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and

post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be

‘Do you have a car that runs?’

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the

greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE….7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

Advertisements

Friday Funny…

This segment has been missing for a few weeks. SO, here are a few one liners that I hope bring a smile to your face!!

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn’t.
2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
8. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.
9. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
10 NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
11. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
12. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
13. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
14. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
15. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
16. Procrastinate Now!
17. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
18. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
19. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
20. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
21. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
22. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.
23. Ham and eggs? A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig
24. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
25. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.


Friday Funny…

Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down
lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish connected to your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, “I love my job, I love my job, I Love my job.”
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

 

Friday Funny…

This is a long clip, but it is funny. The guy in the middle was cracking me up!!

Friday Funny…

Yep, better late than never. So, by request, some gymnastics bloopers!

Friday Funny…

For those of you who know me, I am obviously a tall, skinny white guy with NO rhythm. Not any more. I have been doing a little research and have found out that athletes and those associated with athletic teams are real dancing machines. See what I mean:

Friday Funny…

Yes, it’s true, I am a Monty Python fan. The Search for the Holy Grail is one of the best movies ever made. So, here is the Black Knight fight scene. Sorry, there is some language, but very funny none the less.