Friday Funny…

WALMART APPLICATION:

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen

submitted to Walmart in Arkansas . They hired him because he was so funny…..

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Man)

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously,

whatever is available . If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a severance

package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and

post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be

‘Do you have a car that runs?’

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the

greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE….7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

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Garfield on the oil crisis…


A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there’s a very simple answer.

~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn’t know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA, California, Costal Florida, Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Wyoming, Utah, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania
And
Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC
Any Questions? NO?… Didn’t think So.

Prison vs Work…

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer!!!

@ PRISON

@ WORK

you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell

@ PRISON

you spend the majority of your time

in an 6X6 cubicle /office

@ WORK

you get three meals a day fully paid for

@ PRISON

you get a break for one meal and

you have to pay for it

@ WORK

you get time off for good behavior

you get more work for

good behavior

@ PRISON

the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you

@ PRISON

@ WORK

you must often carry a security card

and open all the doors for yourself

@ WORK

you can watch TV and play games

@ PRISON

you could get fired for watching

TV and playing games

@ WORK

you get your own toilet

@ PRISON

you have to share the toilet with

some people who pee on the seat

@ WORK

they allow your family and friends to visit

@ PRISON

you aren’t even supposed to speak

to your family

@ WORK

all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required

you get to pay all your expenses to go

to work, and they deduct taxes from

your salary to pay for prisoners

@ PRISON

you must deal with sadistic wardens

@ WORK

they are called managers

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!

Yes, I am in the over 30 crowd…

This is too funny not to share. Those who are in the over 30 crowd and have kids will really appreciate this.

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school ever y morning … uphill BOTH ways

yada, yada, yada …

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!
But now that… I’m over the ripe old age of thirty+, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a dog gone Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don’t know how good you’ve got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet . If we wanted to know something,
we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to
get there!

There were no MP3’s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store
and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ’d usually talk over the
beginning and mess it all up!

We didn’t have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got
a busy signal, that’s it!
And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you
had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you
just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘asteroids’. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or
screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy
or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn’t see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu and no remote control! You had to use a
little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your behind and walk over to the TV to change the
channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled
little brats!

And we didn’t have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire .. imagine that! If we wanted
popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled. You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,
The over 30 Crowd

Did you say comedy…

laugh.jpgThe boys over at the Bob and Tom show (no endorsement here at all, just happened on this list through a search I was doing), put together a top 100 comedy movie list. So I am scrolling down and realize that I have seen about 65 of the movies listed. Many of them were truly funny. Many were just a waste of a few hours. Anyway, check out the list here.

Do you think they captured some of the best comedies of all time???