Well, tonight’s post is somewhat of an interesting one. I’m sitting at my kitchen table waiting on some laundry to finish. What can I do? I don’t watch TV, read, or do anything like that anymore to pass the time. So, I decided to make a list of goals for myself. These are things that I want to accomplish in 2 months. My target date is June 1. I know this may sound silly, but I came up with 3 thing that I absolutely cannot do right now. Many of you will read this list and probably think if I just made myself do these things, I could accomplish them by tomorrow. However, these are the three things that I absolutely cannot do right now, but would be so happy if I could. So, here’s the list……..

1. Sit down and watch an entire 30 minute TV show.

This sounds crazy, I know, but I would love to relax enough to watch TV. I haven’t watched a TV show since

December. Many would say that that is ok. However, watching TV was a normal part of my life before, and

I want some normalcy back.

2. Read 1 chapter in a book.

I am an avid reader, so it kills me that I can’t concentrate enough to read even a few pages. I know this is a small

goal, but I feel that I would be overwhelmed by trying to set out to read an entire book, so I’ve decided to just

try for a chapter.

3. Go to bed 2 nights in a row BEFORE midnight AND without medication.

Many of you know that sleep has eluded me since December. I’ve had many people suggest that I just quiet myself

down and “just go to bed at 10.” Oh, if only it were that easy. I torture myself at night. For some reason, I can’t let

myself relax and go to bed at a decent time. Most nights I am finally settling down somewhere between 130 and

330. Some nights have actually been as late as 5 in the morning. And I still have to get up by 6/630. I find so

many reasons NOT to go to bed. I have actually tried to settle down at a halfway decent time only to get back up to

clean my bathroom (at 2 am) or come down to the kitchen to obsessively clean the counters just one more time.

So, I guess I’m just posting this list, so those of you who follow this blog know what I am trying to accomplish. I just want to be honest. These are totally out of my reach right now. But hopefully, by June 1st, they will be crossed off my list!!

Please pray for these things and feel free to check in with me. Thanks so much to those who still inquire as to how we are doing. You don’t know how that helps to lift our spirits. I’ve had some very emotional days in the past few days because of a couple things. First, Stef’s car sold. Wow, that was so much rougher than I thought it would be. Thank you to some dear friends who helped me through that. Also, the last of Stef’s boxes of personal items from work were brought to the house today. I have several boxes to go through. One of these days, I’m sure I’ll open them, but have decided that I’m just not ready for that right now. So, they are sitting sealed in my garage. Sometimes I beg for healing to come quickly. However, I know that it is a long journey. I just wish my broken heart understood that.

Well, goodnight. Thank you for stopping by to check in on us here.


8 Responses

  1. As far as I know we have never met but I am the pastor/principal of the high school Stef attended. I had the privilege of meeting your husband once when he stopped and introduced himself. I wish I could have known him better.

    I did want to tell you how much I appreciate your blog and the church family you have. They seem to be wonderfully supportive and kind. You are blessed.

    Even though I am a stranger, I pray for you as you heal. I trust these goals will be realities very soon. Thanks for sharing your personal thoughts.

    Pastor Morgan

  2. Sandi, those goals give me and others reading specific areas to pray for you. I am honored to be able to pray for you so specifically. I am praying for you all. Anyone who thinks you should just be able to do those things is not being real compassionate.


  3. Sandi,

    Just to remind you, you are amazing! Your posts are so genuine and real. We miss Stef, but cannot imagine what you are actually going through. And then, on top of it, you keep yourself accountable of things, like making goals, when noone in making you, and that is hard! I will sit down and watch a tv show with you anytime if you want some company! And you can always count on us to be praying for you and the kids! Love, Caron

  4. Hey Babes,

    You know that your mom and I try to keep in contact with you every day. We will pray for these definite things and we will pray that the goals may be reached even before June 1.

    Have an incredible day!

    Love ya,


  5. Hello Sandi-

    You and your children continue to be in our prayers. We will always be greatful for the support Stef gave at Children’s as Tyler battled cancer.



  6. Hi Sandi,
    We don´t know each other but I went to Cedarville with Stef during out freshman and sophomore years. I have been keeping up with this blog ever since I found him on Facebook early last year. I have battled cancer twice and feel very moved by all your family has been through. I continue to check the blog and I continue to pray for you and your kids whenever you come to my mind, which is more often than you might think. Thanks so much for continuing the blog and for letting us into your heart through it.
    May God bless, comfort and heal…

  7. i was looking for a picture today and came across some from elementary school and saw stef in so many.
    He was really into star wars for awhile and i remember he had a case that looked like darth vaders head and he had all his guys in it, he loved that thing.
    i think he was voted most likely to succede every single year.
    tell your kids that he was always kind even as a kid he was kind to all the other kids at school even if his friends were not.
    can’t imagine what your are going through but think of you and pray for you often.

  8. Sandi,
    Thank you for this post. It’s good to know what I can be praying for specifically (other than your sleep which I already knew about). I can only imagine the hurdles that stand in the path toward healing, but I know that God will lift you over each one as only He can. Being able to pray for you blesses me and I’m sure it blesses others as well. Keep leaning on Him and the friends He’s brought into your life.
    In Christ’s Love,
    Stacey Kirkey

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