Still here…

Hi!! Sorry it has been so quiet on this end. I took a little break from blogging. I have been dealing with a lot of emotions and struggled with how to put those into words. In the end, I opted to not share them. It’s hard to know how much people REALLY want to know.

I will share this, though. The other day, I mentioned to a friend that I thought Stef would be proud of me for some of the things I have done. I’m not trying to pat myself on the back right now, so please don’t misinterpret. Anyway, I think he would be so proud that I am managing our finances. This was NEVER my thing. He did such a good job at this. I have done room makeovers at the house. I have had help from friends, so I do not want to take anything away from that, but I think he would be so proud that I have forged ahead with this. I struggle with being a single mom, but you know what? I’m doing it. I think Stef would be super proud of me for that. I love my kids more than anything on this earth, but it is rough to have to do absolutely everything for them, around the house, etc. I think I’d get such a big hug and smile for pushing through. Stef always knew I hated being alone. I’m a pretty social person. I am coming to terms with being alone once the kids go to bed. I have found things to keep me occupied. This has been one of the harder things to deal with, so I can almost hear him saying, “way to go, babe.” I have really tried to keep things going. I hope I have made him proud!!

On a different note… many of you know I have been struggling immensely with sleeping. That is getting slightly better. Hopefully, it will only get better as time goes on and one of these days I’ll be enjoying at least 6 hours of sleep every night instead of my 1 to 4 hours.

It’s amazing how so many things trigger memories of Stef or thoughts of him. The other day, I had the windows open. It was around dinner time and I heard a car go by our house. I actually stopped what I was doing because it so sounded like him backing his car into the driveway. That was such a nice time of day. It was a comforting sound, actually. I realized the other day with the windows open how much I miss that sound. Certain songs bring him to my mind so vividly it’s almost painful. However, I love thinking about him. And, I love talking about him. Please don’t be afraid to talk to me about him. I might tear up, but wow, I love knowing that others miss him, too. Because we sure miss him. Talking about him is so healing.


6 Responses

  1. I never got to meet Stef personally, but we exchanged several e-mails. I am also battling stage four colon cancer and it was helpful to share information with each other. I have followed the blog and marveled at Stef’s faith, love of God and family, and his approach to life throughout his journey. He was and still is an inspiration to me.

    Thank you for your sharing, Sandi. God’s blessings to you and your children.

  2. Sandi,
    Stef would be SO INSANELY proud of you! I think about that a lot, you never stopped, you never let the pain win, you’ve been such a fighter and Stefan loved that about you! There is no doubt in my mind how proud Stef would be about you AND the kids right now. He was so proud of his family and at this moment all of you are really shining. He would never want you to stop, he’s always wanted the best for you, always. It would devastate him to think of you giving up, giving in and you are his wife because he saw these amazing qualities in you.

    And I know I say this all the time, but GOOD JOB! And, YOU ARE AMAZING!! My brother would be SO PROUD!
    And to be honest, probably very surprised! Haha. He was always so SHOCKED at how capable I could be and the things I could get done, it was always funny to see him mask his utter surprise when I would accomplish something. And I’d get a lot of “Good job Jen! I’m impressed!”. He’s so funny.

    I miss him like crazy, he’d get a kick out of my Vegetarian in BBQ capital of the world stories now and how people wear cowboy boots to golf in down here (no joke!).

    He’d be so proud of you Sandi. So proud. Way to go girl!

  3. Sandi!!!

    Love ya girl!!!! Your Dad and I are more than proud of you!!!! It’s been tremendously hard for us as your parents to have to watch the horrid journey that you were on and know that there was absolutely nothing in this world that we could do about it. (it’s so much easier when your children are small and you can solve a lot of their problems!!) God has been so close and caring through it all and He always knows best at what we need for each day!!! You’ve been such a wonderful daughter and one that every parent in the world should be so blessed to have!!!! We loved Stef SO much and know exactly what he would say to to you***** (you said it right!) “way to go Babe”. I can almost hear him saying it because he said it quite a few times. We will continue to follow and go along with you on your new journey even though the loss will always be there. Stef was an angel sent to us for just a little while —- it just wasn’t long enough!!!! We love you and care more than you know. Have a good day and **** keep praising the Lord !!!!

    Love ya,
    Mom šŸ™‚

  4. It is always so nice to see your updates and how you all are doing. I know you’ve encouraged so many people with your strength and with ‘keeping it real’ when things hit you in those hard times (at night etc.). I always want friends to see me strong, but your example has challenged me to also show people when I’m hurting. I so appreciate your testimony and Brian and I are praying for you and your children!

  5. Sandi,
    I know how hard it is for you to share your emotions, But it is good to see some come out even if it is in small doses at a time.
    I know I have told you a hundered times. But you AMAZE me! Your strength, your ambition, your encouragement, how you are so positive all the time. You are a Rock Girl! And I am super proud of you. Thanks for being the best friend that you are.
    Love ya,

  6. I prayed for you all on Thursday as I walked back to the college from doing my ministry. I prayed for each of you individually. Realixing that another month had passed. I am proud of you for not stopping. You have kept walking and are leaning on God. Way to go, Sandi!

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