If you had the chance…

…to ask how you would die, would you ask that question? Tough one, huh. Disclaimer: this is not meant to be a morbid post. I am in a very good mental state right now. Just sharing my curiosity and thoughts.

I asked that question yesterday at my oncology appointment. It was a question out of curiosity as I cannot wrap my head around how this cancer can get me. In my small, finite mind, I had an answer for everything. If it gets to the liver, either do a radiofrequency ablation procedure or surgically remove some of the liver, it will grow back. If it gets to the lungs, take out a lobe of the lung. If it gets to the lymph system, hhmmnnn, not sure about that one.

So, here is the answer my oncologist gave me. First, he corrected me on my two year prognosis. For the second time in eight months, he has told me that these are just averages and that he has many patients out five and seven years. Then he went on to say that there is not a real defining moment in the process. Basically, he said that cancer takes its toll on the body and the body begins to shut down. It can really no longer fight and so it starts the process of shutting down. He went on to say that many of his patients know it is their time before he does.

So, if we keep fighting and keep the cancer at bay, and I continue to keep the positive attitude, maybe I can keep my body from shutting down for a few more decades. Gonna be a battle, but I don’t lose very many things!! Watch out cancer, here I come! Are you ready to RUMBLE!!!!!!!!!

Also, a small bit of good news yesterday. I gained three more pounds the last two weeks. I am now out of my old high school weight and getting back into my college weight. I have gained back a total of 10 pounds and only have 28 more pounds to gain to get back to my fighting weight!

It’s all in the attitude…

Thanks to our good friend Kelly for this one…

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. “Well,” she said, “I think I’ll braid my hair today!” So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. “H-M-M,” she said, “I think I’ll part my hair down the middle today!” So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. “Well,” she said, “today I’m going to wear my hair in a pony tail!” So she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn’t a single hair on her head. “YEA!” she exclaimed, “I don’t have to fix my hair today!”

Attitude is everything. Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly… and Leave the rest to God!

Carrots, Eggs or Coffee Beans??

Just got this from a friend of mine, and thought I would share it. I would hope that, in my current situation, I am a coffee bean. At least I will try to be more like the coffee bean. Enjoy the read…

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as soon as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ‘Tell me what you see.’ ‘Carrots, eggs, and coffee,’ she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.
Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, ‘What does it mean, mother?’

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

‘Which are you?’ she asked her daughter. ‘When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain & adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.
When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

So what are you???

Is today significant???

Warning: Straight talk ahead…

Today is Wednesday, January 23, 2008. So what you say? Today is a significant day for me. Six month ago today, I was officially diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer. So, is today really significant? I do not want to celebrate, because then I am celebrating cancer. No way… However, should I celebrate the fact that I have cancer and have been able to be blessed and, hopefully, be a blessing to others that maybe would not have been blessed if I did not have this disease?

Now to the hard stuff. Six months. I have not been brave enough to ask if my prognosis has changed at all due to the very successful surgery that I had. Did I gain more time, or am I six months into my original 24 months that I was told I had left. If I am still on the 24 month timeline, then I have just gone thru 25% of my useful life and I have only 18 months to go. Trust me, I believe that I am going to be here for quite some time, but humanly speaking, do I only have 18 months left. If so, what do I do? Time is moving too fast for me.

I really would like to see the movie “The Bucket List”. Maybe that will motivate me to get some things done that I would like to do. Such as (in no particular order):

1. Go to Greece and visit some of my family that I have never met.

2. Take Sandi to California, rent a convertible and travel up the coast of California and stay at some Bed & Breakfast places along the way.

3. Take the boys to a baseball game at Wrigley Field and Fenway Park.

4. Take the boys deep sea fishing.

5. Take Sandi and my daughter to Chicago for a weekend and go on a shopping spree.

6. Go big game hunting out west.

7. Buy some wave runners and take the kids out on weekends this summer and have some fun.

These are just a few things, as random as they are. The problem with this list is that we need to watch our funds due to the medical bills. Some of this may get done, but I know some will never get crossed off the list. Am I ok with that, I think so… I guess the most important thing is to just make sure that I spend as much time with my family as possible. That is what really matters to me. Yes, it would be great to do any one of the things on my list, but if I give up these opportunities to spend time with my wife and kids, I am ok with that. I am getting used to making sacrifices, if it means more time with the family and friends.

So, is today significant? Yes, because I am alive today and that is what matters!

I refuse to lose!!!

Happy New Year…

As I reflect on this past year, I realize that God is in total control (and not me, as I would like to think). It has been an interesting year for the Tarapchak family. It started with Stef being in the hospital with a bad case of pneumonia for a few days. The year progressed through sport seasons of soccer and baseball for the boys during the spring. We enjoyed our middle child graduating from pre-school and getting ready to join his big brother at Beacon Elementary. Summer brought us some good stuff and some curve balls. Our daughter turned two and a week later, we enjoyed our annual family vacation to Myrtle Beach. The happiness was short lived upon our return, as a week later, I was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer. While still in some shock from that, an unexpected vacation to Disney World came about and we enjoyed our time as a family as Sandi and I worked through this difficult time in a place where “dreams and wishes come true”. Fall brought us the first day of school and more soccer for the boys. We are proud of our oldest son, who tried out for and made the Hilliard FC travel soccer team. His ability amazes me and I am already looking at scholarships from division one colleges (well, not right now, but maybe one day)!! We closed out the year with probably the best Christmas that I could have ever had. We spent the day as a family of five and truly enjoyed the entire day (almost the whole day, there was a misfortune with our new Wii, but that is another story for another day — Houston, Wii have a problem!!).

Again, God is in control and directs our paths. We would have never chosen some of the things that came our way this year. We also had some great things come our way that we did not expect. I can say that our faith in God has grown and we just keep following His lead.

We are thankful for the support and friends we have made along the way this year and we wish everyone a happy, safe, healthy and wealthy new year!!

Sowing the seeds of tomorrow…

So I go to the Columbus Blue Jackets game last night with my buddy Aaron, from Arms Wide Open. The Jackets lose 4-3 in overtime. Oh well, we still had a great time and the conversation is always great with Aaron.

On the way home, we were talking about various things and we landed on my journey as a topic. I made the comment that I hope one person is touched and gets blessed in some way because of my journey. I mean, what is my purpose on this earth, if God decides that it is my time? Have I touched anyone at all? I did not say that to pat myself on the back, or anything like that at all. I just want to be the person Christ expects me to be and help reach people for Him. My prayer is that I am doing that in some way.

Aaron’s response was great and I hope I can do it some justice via the following words. He was talking about how Max Lucado painted one scenario that could happen. Upon our arrival in heaven, we would be introduced to people that we did now know, but as a result of watching or listening to us (me) they ended up in heaven. There is the possibility that we would be introduced to our grandchildren and great grandchildren. Aaron went on to say that we are sowing seeds in our children as we live by example and teach them about God. Our hope would be that they would then teach their children about God. Thus, sowing the seeds of the future and leaving a legacy!

My prayer is that my kids grow to love the Lord and that they will continue not my legacy, but God’s. I know that I have been blessed by many and I hope that I am a blessing to many, starting with my family.

What to do with my time…

So, I have be afforded about four or five weeks at home. What to do? I was sitting in my chair on Sunday afternoon when it hit me. I need to be a good steward of the time that I have been afforded. I need to take advantage of this time and not waste it. It will be so easy to watch movies, play video games, sleep, etc. Is this a good use of my time? Sure, to some extent. Some down time is good, but what about:

1. Spending some solid time with my wife and strengthening that relationship.

2. Spending some good quality time with the kids and doing what they want to do and play the games they want to play, etc.

3. Cultivating friendships that I have neglected. I need to pick up the phone and call some friends to come over for a visit.

4. Digging into the Word. I have been wanting to go through the book of Romans for awhile now. I am at home with time on my hands, no excuses now.

These are just a few items. I have been afforded a luxury that people just don’t get. I have time to spend and I need to be a good steward of that time.

In God We Trust, or do we?

I had a friend send me an email the other day that talked about the inscription on every penny. The words “In God We Trust”. The story went on about a man who was very wealthy, but stopped to pick up a penny he found on the ground as he was walking into a restaurant with some friends. One friend noticed that he picked up the penny, but didn’t know why, as the man was very wealthy. During dinner the friend could not take it anymore and asked the wealthy man why he picked up the penny.

The man’s reply was that every time he picks up a penny, he is reminded to trust in God, at that moment and for the rest of the day.

What about you? Are you trusting in God? Everyday, or are you too busy with life to remember to trust in Him?

Thought for the day…

This came to me from a friend and I thought I would share it…

“God knows your secret longings, He knows your silent tear and even within the shadows His hand is on your fears. When your head is on the pillow in the wee hours past midnight just trust that God is with you somewhere within your room this night watching, never sleeping. He tends your fragile care and in the quiet hours a vigil keeping He breaths for you a prayer. Just trust Him for the answers that a questioning heart can’t give, for God holds your every tomorrow knowing your ‘each today’ is His.” Author unknown

Wish List vs To Do List…

So I watched some of the series finally of the show “Age of Love” the other night. I watch these shows every once in a while because I love watching human interaction in some unnatural situations, so no comments on my random TV viewing habits.

Anyway, there was one part in the show where the younger gal was talking to the older gal. The younger gal notes that she has a wish list and the older gal probably had a to do list. She explained that she was so young that she wished she could do this and that and she noted that the older gal was at a point where she was no longer wishing, but she is doing things in her life.

Now keep in mind, this is a mindless show, but it got me thinking. Based on my new situation in life, does my wish list turn into a to do list? Then I thought, my wish list should have been a to do list more than a decade ago!! Really, though, I am wrestling with this. Do I begin to check things off my list? In doing so, am I lacking faith in God to put my cancer into remission or cure me completely. Do I just go on through life and get to my list when I can? In doing this, do I short change my family and myself if God chooses to call me home early?

Not sure what to do, but I think I may get to at least a few items on the list! That way, I will have some great memories to share with my kids now and my grandkids when I get old!!