I laughed till I cried…

I cannot remember the last time I had a good laugh.  Props to my friend Aaron  over at A UNC Fan for this little gem!

He is just that good…

I guess the story behind this video is that someone found a glitch in Tiger Woods 2008 by EA sports.  The glitch in the game is that you can hit a golf shot off of water.  Tiger sets the record straight.

FIRE…ahh, not really…

Thought you would all get a kick out of this.  The family took me to get a blood draw at my oncologist’s office yesterday.  The kids did well, despite the wait.  On the way out, the excitement started.

Derek, hit the handicap assistance button on the first set of doors.  Well, Carley wanted to be helpful, so she also tried to open the second set of doors.  What she did not know is that the fire alarm will not open the door. 

However, having your three year old daughter pull the fire alarm will embarass you and will upset the staff.  Yep, gotta love when this happens.

Observations on Golf…

Props to my buddy, Dave, for posting this one… Hardcore golfers will understand and nod their heads in agreement.

Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.

If it ain’t broke, try changing your grip.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents’ luck.

It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt . . . for a 10.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.

There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.

You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a player’s downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

It’s easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn.

Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveth over.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.

A good golf partner is one who’s always slightly worse than you are…that’s why I get so many calls to play with friends.

That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.

If there’s a storm rolling in, you’ll be having the game of your life.

Golf balls are like eggs. They’re white. They’re sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.

A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

It’s amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).

You probably wouldn’t look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.

Vacation recap…

Well, the Griswolds, I mean Tarapchaks, are back from vacation!!  Let’s see, what comes to mind.  Ah, yes, National Lampoon’s Vacation Part II.  Yes, it was an eventful vacation.  Let me give you a daily highlight list:

Day 1:  We were not in Florida for two hours and I tangled the rental mini van up with a fire hydrant.  The fire hydrant won by inflicting major damage to the driver’s side door.

Day 2:  If you are ever on Anna Maria Island and are traveling the back roads of said Island looking for a seafood restaurant, remember to obey all posted speed limits.  The police will pull you over and ticket you for speeding.

Day 3:  We were across the street visiting some neighbors, when Carley took a tumble off of something over at the house we were staying at.  In my haste to run over to help her, I ran through some wet grass.  When I hit the driveway, I literally hit the driveway.  My wet shoes slipped on the driveway and I went down faster then the Titanic.  At least my elbow broke my fall.  Not damage done, but a sore elbow for a few days.

Let’s see, the score is Vacation 3, Stef 0…

Day 4:  Finally, a day nothing happened to me.  Unfortunately, Carley was not so lucky today.  She took a tumble off the back of the golf cart and scraped herself up pretty good.

Day 5:  There is a major interchange of I-75 and Route 301 about a mile from where we were staying.  Today, an unfortunate accident occurred.  A tanker truck hauling fuel was run off the I-75 bridge and fell to Route 301 below.  The tanker exploded and caused major damage to the bridge above and the bridge is being shut down for weeks as it is being torn down and rebuilt.  You can read the story here.

Day 6-8:  Uneventful, thank heavens.  The only issues we had were caused by the above accident.  It caused our travel times to triple in getting anywhere.

So, we are back.  In spite of the items above, we did enjoy the beach everyday and some good restaurants.  We had a good time with the kids and, let’s face it, we made some memories for sure!! 

Friday Funny…

WALMART APPLICATION:

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen

submitted to Walmart in Arkansas . They hired him because he was so funny…..

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Man)

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously,

whatever is available . If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a severance

package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and

post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be

‘Do you have a car that runs?’

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the

greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE….7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

Garfield on the oil crisis…

A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there’s a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn’t know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA, California, Costal Florida, Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Wyoming, Utah, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania
And
Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC
Any Questions? NO?… Didn’t think So.

Prison vs Work…

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer!!!

@ PRISON	@ WORK
you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell @ PRISON	you spend the majority of your time in an 6X6 cubicle /office @ WORK
you get three meals a day fully paid for @ PRISON	you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it @ WORK
you get time off for good behavior	you get more work for good behavior
@ PRISON the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you @ PRISON	@ WORK you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself @ WORK
you can watch TV and play games @ PRISON	you could get fired for watching TV and playing games @ WORK
you get your own toilet @ PRISON	you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat @ WORK
they allow your family and friends to visit @ PRISON	you aren’t even supposed to speak to your family @ WORK
all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required	you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners
@ PRISON you must deal with sadistic wardens	@ WORK they are called managers
THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!

Gas Prices…

Yep, this is what my piggy bank looked like after I bought gas this morning!!

Early Golf Tip…

Well, my golf league starts next week and I have not had time to knock the rust off my game yet. It may happen at the driving range, just moments before I step on the first tee box. Anyway, this is the time of year where many people get frustrated during their rounds. I think the following video is a great one to get you through the frustrating moments. Enjoy!

Check out the video HERE.