WOW, didn’t see this one coming…

Well, what do you say when your surgeon asks you if you want to live or die?  Uh, let me think for a minute, yep, I’ll take life.

Just got back from my surgeon appointment and it didn’t play out like I thought it would.  I have spent the last three to four weeks putting together what I am calling “The Summer of Memories”, only to have them all washed away in an instant.  I had trips planned to Chicago and Boston to see some ball games.  Another trip to Chicago with my wife and daughter.  AAHHHH!!!!  My summer is now called “The Summer of Recovery”.  I am being scheduled to have another surgery in the middle of June.  Although we have been told the cancer is growing slowly, it seems to be growing in many places that my surgeon does not like.  It is surrounding my liver, but not in the liver.  It is growing around my stomach, but not in my stomach.  It is growing in other areas and my surgeon says, let’s go and get it now.

We got rocked again today.  I was thinking I would be having surgery later this year, but the cancer is rearing it’s ugly head again and we need to fight a little harder.  I did not take this well.  I am not happy about this, but like he said, I can chose life or death and I think I like living.

So, we will reschedule the trips and I guess I get to drive Sandi crazy all summer.  Looks like I will save a bunch of money, too, as my golfing habit will be shut down this year.

Anyway, I need some prayer for some mental strength right now.  I knew this was coming, but not so soon.

REFUSING TO LOSE!!!

What did the King do…

Well, we are not sure of the whole story, but what we do know is that The King, aka Mr. Burger King, had a play place built into his fast food joint.  King thought it would be a great idea to have kids play after having a fine dining experience.  So far, I agree with his stance.  Why wouldn’t you want to keep patrons in your eatery for as long as possible.

Although there were no witnesses to the accident, we have proof that my Cinderella, did in fact break her finger playing in noted play place. Not sure if the King did it or not, but I have my suspicions.

Here is my little princess with her splint on the little finger of her left hand.

A dark place…

This is where I was over the weekend. It was lonely there and I didn’t like it at all. After getting the CT results, the mental battle began. It is hard to continually get news that you don’t want to hear. The battle raged all weekend long. There were thoughts of death, arguments with God, sleepless nights. It was hard and too real to deal with. What is going to happen with me? What is going to happen with my family? Cancer sucks and life is not fair at all.

We met with my oncologist yesterday for my next round of chemo. He said the CT results were not as bad as the report read. Ye said, yes, there was a “little” more growth, but the chemo is keeping the cancer at bay and causing it not to spread out of control. He noted that the bladder was probably ok and I am getting an MRI on Friday to rule out any bladder issues. The visit was going well until I asked a question I have been wanting to ask, but have been afraid to get the answer to.

The question was whether or not my original two year prognosis has changed at all. To my surprise, the answer was no, my prognosis has not changed. This gives me 15 months left, speaking humanly and statistically. I was crushed and emotional to say the least. What if God chooses to take me? What will happen to my wife, my kids? They need a husband and father. It is not fair for my kids to loose a father at such young ages. Not fair at all. So, I find myself in another dark place, praying, wondering, crying…

Yes, cancer sucks and life is not fair.

The results are in…

And I am beginning to get REALLY MIFFED at this stupid disease. The results were not what we were expecting. The cancer that was left after surgery continues to grow. The also found some possible issue with the bladder. They think it just might be some “debris” or blood. No mention of cancer in the bladder, however. The also found a small mass in the small bowel that was not there three months ago. I also have some “tiny” pulmonary nodules that continue to remain unchanged, but they are still watching them.

SO, after having a short weak moment of tears and anger today, I am back on the straight and narrow path of optimism. We meet with my oncologist Tuesday for my next round of chemo. I am SURE that we will discuss treatment plans. We then meet with my surgeon in early April. I am sure that he will want to schedule another surgery. Although I would prefer not to have another surgery, this seems to be the only way I can rid myself of this cancer. Chemo just doesn’t seem to be doing the trick for me.

Again, I thank ALL of you for ALL of your support. My prayer is that one day I can post that I am cancer free. Until then…

I REFUSE TO LOSE!!!

Rough week…

Let me start by saying, I don’t mean to complain. I am not feeling sorry for myself, but I am just sick of this cancer thing!!

This was a rougher week than I had expected. I am about half way through treatments right now. Six down, six to go! However, I thought I knew what to expect when my chemo weeks came around. This one caught me sideways.

The night of chemo was about the same. The second day was a little harder than normal (whatever normal is anymore!). Much time in bed that day with nausea and fatigue. Day three, I am usually ready to go back to work for at least half of the day. Not this time. Day three was rough. Again, much time in bed and in my big, comfy chair, under my favorite blanket. Too fatigued to do anything at all. So, I missed one more day of work than I usually due, and that gets to me. The great thing is, that my bosses at work are VERY understanding and supportive. They have been since hour one of this journey. I still hate missing work, though. It is therapy at times and keeps my mind on things other than cancer.

The bright light for this week was Tyler Alfriend. My buddy was able to go home for a few days and enjoy being somewhat of a normal teenager for awhile (again, whatever your definition of normal is). He enjoyed some friends over, had some wings, and played x-box. Great to hear the good news, Tyler. Will visit you when you are back in for chemo next week!

Anyway, not complaining, as many people are going through worse things than I am, but I am still SICK OF IT!! My next big event is my CT coming up this Thursday, March 6th. We are praying for the cancer to be gone!!! Refusing to Lose!!

Not a great weekend…

Yes, it is flu season. Yes, I got the stomach flu late Friday night. What fun that is. After being up all Friday night, I spent all day Saturday and most all of Sunday in bed. Living on PowerAde and crackers is also not on my top ten things to do on a weekend. So, starting to get some food back into my ever shrinking body. Right now, I am so skinny, I get discounts at the hospital for my x-rays because they just hold me up to the light. Anyway, getting the flu on top of continued surgery recovery is just not right. Life is not fair.

On a more serious note and keeping with the not a great weekend theme, I was told on Sunday that a friend of mine, who has survived colon cancer, has relapsed. He is now fighting two other cancers at the same time. My heart is so heavy for he and his wife. I respect this person and look up to him and I cried when I heard this news. WHY!!! I need to know why things like this happen!! Again, life is not fair.

We don’t always know why, but through it all God is in control.

They say no news is good news, but…

I have some news. We don’t have all the information yet, but we did not receive good news on Friday. If you recall, my first follow up CT scan was on Friday. I was nervous to get the results, but was like a kid at Christmas, waiting in anticipation for the great news I was so optimistic to hear. Well, God had other words for me to hear.

Words like, there is no change in the tumor and the cancer is continuing to spread. WHAT!!!! Five rounds of chemo!! Ten weeks of a physical and mental battle and I am not getting ANY BETTER! In fact, my condition is getting worse. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! I know that I am still early on this journey, but a little good news by now, would be nice.

We don’t have the full story yet, but we should know more this week. I meet with my oncologist again on Tuesday and my surgeon on Thursday. Right now, it looks like surgery will be on October, 19th, but we will know for sure on Thursday.

My journey got harder for me this past Friday. This was not the news I was expecting to hear and it really rocked my world again. I am struggling mentally. I hope that I can continue to be positive and strong, but getting nothing but bad news around every corner is getting really hard to handle. This situation is getting bigger every day. The mental battle is bigger than I thought it would be.

I am human. God is not. I think I have talked with God more the last two days than I have this entire journey. I know that there are many, many, many people praying for me and all I humbly ask is that you continue in prayer for Sandi and I.

Please continue to pray for an extra dose of mental strength for Stef. Pray for physical strength for both Stef and Sandi. Pray that the cancer does stop spreading (we do not need this cancer to reach my liver or lungs!!) Pray for the upcoming surgery and the pending recovery. During recovery, first pray for physical strength for Sandi to not only run our household, but also her “nursing” role in taking care of me. Then pray for me as I endure the painful and uncomfortable recovery period. I can handle it all with God leading my care team and giving me strength when I need it.

So, the journey continues and we will just dig deeper and run harder and let God lead the way.

Our visit to The James – Second Opinion Update…

Well, we had our second opinion visit at the James Cancer Hospital today. It was interesting coming out of the appointment and talking with Sandi about it. She was on could nine and I was basically in tears. Perspective is everything and I will explain. I will split this post into two parts.

Part I: The Good Stuff

1. I maintained my weight the last to weeks. MAJOR accomplishment for me. I am hovering around 156 pounds and holding steady.

2. The doctor told us that the chemo regimen that I am on is the chemo regimen I should be on. It was great to hear a second opinion from a doctor who is a/the top doctor at the James that is treating this type of cancer. He travels the globe speaking on gastro-intestinal cancer and has done much research on it. It is nice to know that I have been on the right track.

3. The doctor really discussed surgery. Sandi and I are all for it, although I am scared to death to have a major surgery like this. He wants us to meet with a top surgeon as soon as Tuesday, if I can get in. The surgeon he wants me to see is a surgeon that only deals with stage 4 cancer patients and has also pioneered a new in-surgery procedure called a chemo wash. We will learn much more about all of this when we meet with the surgeon. The basic of the chemo wash is that during surgery, the surgeon will wash my internal organs with chemo drugs. I’ll try to explain more in another post as soon as I learn more about this. This surgeon is the only one doing this procedure in the state of Ohio and surrounding states. Looks like the surgery may take place in the next four to six weeks.
It is great to see God open doors. Not only did I get to see the top colo-rectal doctor at the James, but I get to see the top surgeon as well. I also get to see these physicians in a very short time frame and didn’t have to wait three or four months.

Part II: The not so good stuff (aka, Stef’s human perspective)

WARNING: I am getting VERY real here. I am going to be open, honest and frank, just so you know.

OK, we asked the hard questions again, but I hate to hear the answers. My prognosis has not changed much. He is giving me a 50/50 chance to make it to two years. With the surgery and some aggressive chemo, maybe I get five to six years. I have to stop asking the questions, because I am tired of hearing the answer that I get to die. Don’t get me wrong, it was a good visit and we got some good news, great options and all that, but when you are living this and the doctors keep telling you that they will do everything to give me a few more years is just impossible to hear. I DON’T WANT TO DIE and that is basically what every physician is telling me. AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I mean, come on, what did I do to deserve this!! This is just too crazy for me to continue to try and wrap my head around. Told you I was going to be real.

After crying for a little while, I got my act back together enough to post tonight. Maybe I just slipped into a state of denial. Maybe the chemo one week, off chemo the next, routine was just that, a routine. Am I not taking this serious? Am I really in complete denial? We have not had the hard conversations with physicians for some time, so maybe this jarred me back to reality. Either way, it is hard to hear someone tell you that you only have years to live.

SUMMARY:

So, overall, it was a good visit. We did get some good news and I do like the aggressive nature of these doctors. I know I was a little real in this post, but don’t get me wrong, my faith in God is strong. I am human and this stuff really messes with your head. Prayer, scripture, and God’s grace are the only things that will get me through this. God is in control and I need to follow his lead.

So, pray for our meeting with the surgeon. Begin to pray that the surgery will be successful. Pray for my mental strength (I’m not losing my mind, but just hard to hear the hard answers). Thanks for reading and listening!!

Yes, I have been absent…

Many of you have called or e-mailed me with concern that I am not doing well. This is a result of you following my blog and that I have not posted in some time. Well, last week, as noted in the Chemo Round #3 post below, was a very bad week. For three days, I could not and did not want to do anything. So, yes, you are correct in that I was not doing well, but nothing serious at all. Just a guy having a bad chemo week and the lack of energy and thought process to post. Other reasons for not posting are being too tired and just having some writer block. I know, very poor excuses, but the best I have!!
I appreciate the calls and e-mails, and I will do my best to post on a more regular basis.

Friday Funny…

Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down
lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish connected to your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, “I love my job, I love my job, I Love my job.”
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!