So here’s what we’ve been doing…

Wow.  That was a long break.  But it was a break we all needed.  We were so busy over the summer.  We took a 2 week vacation to Florida with my mom and dad.  The kids had so much fun going to the pool and the beach.  And they loved hanging out with grandma and grandpa.  Derek kept us so busy with soccer.  I have so enjoyed watching his love for the game come out.  He has always loved soccer and done well, but over the last 3 or 4 months, he has flourished.  He had practice or games 4-6 times per week.  That’s a lot of running.  But I LOVE watching him. He has just finished up his outdoor season and has already started his indoor season. No rest for the weary.  However, the time commitment is much less.  Justin took up tennis.  It is so exciting to see him finally find something that is his own and that he loves.  He takes lessons once per week and has so much fun.  We might just have found his sport! Carley is in gymnastics and loves it.  If you ask her, she is the best and has mastered everything there.  It is fun to watch her have so much fun at the gym.
School is back in full swing for the kids.  Derek is now a 5th grader, Justin is a 2nd grader, and Carley is a pre-schooler.  They are all doing very well and for the most part don’t complain about school.
Finally, many of you may not know, but Stef’s grave marker was finally set.  It was emotional to see, but it also was nice to finally have closure.  This also is a season that brings many, many firsts for us.  Stef’s and my 15th wedding anniversary would have been this Thursday, November 12th.  It’s the first one without him, and I miss him dearly.  Then, there is the obvious Thanksgiving and Christmas.  We’re wondering how we’ll do, but we also know that the Lord will provide some really special memories for us.  And finally, December 21st is the one year anniversary of Stefan’s passing.  I really don’t know what that day will bring.  So, if you think about it, please pray for us as we encounter these different dates.
Thank you to my amazing friends who have so diligently prayed for us this past year.  I have friends who travel 30 minutes EVERY Tuesday night after the kids are in bed to just hang out here with me at my house.  I love you girls!!  I also have 10 amazing friends who are providing one meal per week these next 10 weeks as we walk these “firsts.” What a help.  And thank you to that dear, sweet friend who has challenged me so much to stay close to God through out all this.  You know who you are and I love you for it.  God has truly blessed me with the best, best girlfriends.  They have shown themselves to be true friends that have stuck with me through everything I’ve gone through.

Taking a Break

I found this picture when looking through pictures from our trip to Florida in January.  So relaxing.  So peaceful.  So inviting.  I thought this was the perfect way to announce that I will be taking a break from blogging.  I will hopefully be back near the beginning of school.  Enjoy the rest of your summer!!

Cracking the Sky

I sat rocking Carley tonight and reflected over the day.  What a day it was.  I was so frazzled.  I think all 3 of my children got together and decided to join forces and go against me.  Derek sometimes sees himself as “the man of the house” and my equal.  That presents a challenge when I tell him to do something or not to do something.  Most of the time, he is a fantastic child, but every once in awhile, he decides to go toe-to-toe with me.  He did that today. Very difficult.  Carley is my “I’m going to challenge all the boundaries” girl.  She can be so sweet.  But today was a constant battle with her.  Very tiring.  And Justin is my tenderhearted child.  However, tonight, he didn’t like a decision I made, so he decided he was running away.  Wow.  It was hard to let him go.  Very emotional.  I cried as I watched him turn around to look at me and then continue on his way.  My good friend brought him home a short time later.  Thanks, Mel.  I know most of you have probably dealt with all these things and might even be chuckling.  Today was draining for me.  Maybe someday I can chuckle, too.  I so miss that “grounding” capability Stef had for me.  He was able to calm me down like no one else could.  I know he would have given me a hug at the end of the day, and it would have made everything else seem not so bad.  So, after some cleansing tears, I pulled myself together, and tried to focus on something positive.  That’s when I remembered a cute story from lunch.  Carley stood up in her chair and remarked on how tall she was getting.  She said, “Mom, I’m almost tall enough to crack the sky.”  When I asked her why she would want to crack the sky, she said, “Because then I could see daddy.”  If only it were that easy.  So, if I could crack the sky, I guess I would just want a hug for a hard day.  Hopefully, a good night’s rest for those 3 precious children will help all of us.  Hopefully, we’ll all be refreshed for tomorrow.  After all, tomorrow is another day.  Another day to start fresh.  Another day to be thankful that I have 3 healthy children.  Another day to appreciate the sunshine.  Another day…

Happy Birthday, Sweet Girl

Today, my youngest turns 4.  Happy Birthday, Carley.  A lot has happened in 4 years.  I remember that day so well.  It can’t really be possible that it was 4 years ago.  This is her first birthday without her daddy.  She misses him so much.  So, while we have another “first” today, we are truly celebrating the life of this sweet little 4 year old girl.

Missing Daddy

I hope this won’t bother anyone. I wanted to post a couple picture of Justin and Carley that I took on Father’s Day. I think they so capture the innocence of these two precious children, but at the same time they show the intense feelings of loss they have for their daddy.  Carley and Justin sprinkled the rose petals on the grave just before the pictures were taken.

Thank you for allowing me to share such an emotional, but healing moment.

So, while we intensely grieve for Stefan now, we have the hope that we will see him again someday.

Here’s What’s Going On…

Hi. Sorry it’s been so long without a post. There are really two reasons. First, we have been pretty busy. School got out for the boys on May 29th. They were so ready for summer. And for the first time, I can honestly say I was, too. I was ready to relax on our routine for just a bit. For those of you who know me, I am extremely routine oriented; it honestly feels good to bring it down a couple notches. The second reason for being away from my blogging for so long is that I have been going through a range of emotions lately. For quite a while I was in a bit of a dark spot. I feel that I have some genuine healing going on. After talking to one of the pastors at our church, I feel that I have rounded the corner, so to speak. I know that I still have a ways to go for true healing, but as I told a friend, I finally feel that I can breathe on my own.

We just returned from visiting a dear girlfriend of mine in Sandwich, MA this past week. She called and asked if we would consider coming for a spontaneous visit. Again, for those of you who know me, you know I am definitely not spontaneous. However, I decided that maybe this trip was just what we needed. So, last Saturday, I loaded up the kids at 7am and drove to Sandwich. We arrived around 830 that night. We had so much fun with my friend and her 4 children. We went on a whale watch excursion, which I have to say, was amazing. The boat was not kind to me at all, but I would do it again in a heartbeat. We took the kids to the beach at low tide to dig for crabs one day. They had so much fun doing this. They were all sand covered and filthy, but they loved it. On Thursday, we loaded up at 230 in the afternoon and pulled in our garage at 4am. The trip home was long and exhausting, but we were so glad we went.

Finally, as many of you celebrated Father’s Day, I hope for those of you who will be speaking to your dad or visiting with him, that you will let him know how much you love him. Don’t take him for granted. A couple weeks ago, I realized that Father’s Day and the 6 month anniversary of Stefan’s death were on the same day. Wow. That hit hard. So, I started trying to think what we could do to on that day. I talked with friends and family and finally came to the conclusion, thanks to a dear friend, that I should not try to make the day so big that it would be a letdown at the end. So, I’ve decided that we are going to head to church together and then go to brunch. After that, I’m going to take the kids to the cemetery. I bought some rose petals that we are going to sprinkle at the gravesite for their dad. If you think about it, pray for Derek. He is really wrestling with whether he wants to go or not. He has not been to the cemetery since the funeral. The other day, I asked him if he would at least consider going. I’ve never wanted to force him to go, but I really wanted him with us tomorrow, as he has missed out going with us before. He hasn’t decided yet, but I talked to him some more tonight. He said he wants to go, but he knows he will be so sad. I let him know that that’s ok. Justin, Carley and I have all cried at the cemetery. Carley is actually so sweet now when we visit. The last time she and I went just the two of us. It was a beautiful sunny day. I sat on the grass beside the gravesite. She laid on top of the site on her belly. I commented on this and she said that she liked it like this because she was laying on her daddy’s belly. Anyway, sorry to digress; but I really hope Derek joins us. After the visit to the cemetery, the kids are going to make cards and write letters for their dad. I plan on doing this each year and keeping them in a special book for them when they get older. In the afternoon, my parents are coming up, and we’re going to head to Homestead Park for some playtime; and then we’re going to head to Cheeseburger in Paradise for dinner. We picked this because they have a gluten free menu for J.

So, while a big part of me is so melancholy in preparation for tomorrow, there is actually a part of me looking forward to it. I think our day is going to be just perfect.

So, even though you’re not here, Stef–Derek, Justin, Carley and I would love to wish you a wonderful first Father’s Day in heaven with your heavenly father. We miss you. We love you. Hugs and kisses.

Fun Family Time

I just wanted to post a quick note. Tonight, after all the kids had had a bath or shower, I told them we could have a “family snack time” at the kitchen table. This is not typical for us because I don’t usually eat bedtime snacks with them. Anyway, they were all so excited. So, I put several snack options on the table that they could pick from. Even Justin had several Gluten free options, so he was excited, too. I then asked Derek what he loved about being 9. He said that he loved being 9 becase that is when he got a guinea pig. And I have to say, even though I was not a fan of the guinea pig, she has turned out to be ok. I asked Justin what he loved about being 7. He said that he loves playing soccer and hadn’t realized he was so good until he turned 7. For those of you who know J, that is a comment only he would make, and I’m sure you can hear him say it. Finally, I asked Carley what she loved about being 3. Surprise, surprise….. she loves playing with her baby dolls. After a couple minutes, Justin said, “Mom, you didn’t say what you love about being 36. What have you loved this year while you are 36?” I thought for a minute and then told them that tonight was what I loved about being 36. I loved for the first time in almost 6 months sitting at the table with my kids and being totally engaged and laughing with them. So, I know we’ll still have our “moments” ahead, but tonight there was a bright light shining at our kitchen table. In fact, when we were done, Derek said, “Mom, that was so much fun.” It was bittersweet. How Stef would have loved to sit with us and laugh tonight. And that’s what we all wanted. But I also realized, this little family of 4 is rounding the turn. We’re making it!! Thanks for the words of encouragement along the way and all the prayers for us. We have so needed them. Goodnight!

June 1st

Well, it’s here. June 1st. The day I set to try to accomplish 3 of my goals. Several of you have checked in to see how I was doing with these over the last couple months. I have to say, that I am pleasantly surprised. I thought I wouldn’t achieve these goals. I am sure that many think these were “easy” goals. For me, though, they were some of the most difficult. First, I went to Florida with a friend of mine in April. I had an amazing time of relaxation and reflection. I also so enjoyed the time I was able to spend with this dear friend. While I was there, I was able to watch a movie with her in our room. That was a huge step as I was really hoping for just a 1/2 hour show. When I got home, I didn’t really change my TV viewing. Although, this could be because I am so used to NOT watching TV now. However, as of late, I have started to watch HGTV again at bedtime. So, I feel that my goal to be able to watch a TV show has been achieved. Next, I wanted to read just one chapter in a book. One of my “Tuesday night girls” gave me a Chicken Soup for the Soul book. She thought this would be perfect as each chapter is so incredibly short. Well, it worked. I read a few pagesiin this book while I was vacationing. And today, while sitting at the pool with the kids, I actually read 5 chapters in Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s “The G Free Diet” book. It is her book about gluten free eating. For those of you who don’t know, that is yet another thing we have been dealing with. Our middle son, Justin, started a gluten free diet in late January/early February. So, I am reading her book to try to figure out how to make things better and easier for him. The important thing is that I read 5 chapters in one day!! Finally, I wanted to start going to bed by midnight without medication. Well, I don’t use medication anymore. That really started out of a bizarre resistance to taking themeds . However, I am at a point right now that I really don’t feel that I need them. That feels so good. I don’t go to bed before midnight yet, but I have gotten rid of themeds . So, I have to say…………I reached my goals!!!!!!!! And it feels really good to be able to say that. Thanks for checking in, praying for me, and encouraging me to continue pushing forward to reach these.

Now, we can start summer. My two boys are out of school. I have so looked forward to this summer break. Typically summer break is so hard for me because I am so routine oriented. However, I am ready for a relaxed style of living for a couple months.

And, I just have to mention how proud I am or our oldest, Derek. He has been on a select soccer team for a year now. This past week, they held tryouts, and he made the 10 year old “A” team. I am so proud of him. He is so talented in soccer. I had so much fun watching him play this past year. Way to go, Derek!!

Thanks for continuing to check in on us. I have amazing friends who continue to support us through prayer, encouragement, and checking in on us. For any of those things, I am so grateful. Have a good night.

Mommy, I Love You More Than…

For this little story, I need to set the stage just a little. I’m sitting at the kitchen table. It’s 1114 pm and I hear feet on the steps. Oh, no, who’s up? That is a sound that no parent really wants to hear at that hour. Along with these little feet, came the sound of our super energetic dog running down the steps. Now, that’s a sound I really don’t want to hear. I then heard a little cry which let me know that my 3 year old daughter was the owner of those feet. I walked over to the steps and asked her what she needed. She said, “I want you.” I know this sounds so cute, but I hear her say this probably 100 times per day. And that is no exaggeration. I asked if she was the one who let Sprite out of her brother’s room. She said, “Yes, I was looking for you, mom.” Still not sure why she thought I would be in Derek’s room at that time, but oh well. I walked upstairs with her, grabbed her puppy blanket, and sat down to rock her. She was super snuggly. She then looked up at me and said, “Mommy, I love you more than pancakes.” That got me. Sounds silly, but this girl LOVES pancakes. So, for all those crazy moments with her, that little phrase pushed all those out of the way.

Hopefully, you don’t mind if I share another story. Today, after dropping the boys off at school, Carley and I were heading over to my friend Melanie’s house to pick her up for our trip to the gym. As we were driving, I had the radio playing. A female was singing. You’ll understand the importance of that in a minute. Anyway, Carley said, “Mom, do you hear that.” I said, “Hear what?” She then said, “Do you hear dad singing?” I asked her to repeat herself because I didn’t think I heard her correctly. A girl was singing on the radio, and she thought she heard her dad singing. When she answered my question again, she said the exact same thing. I told her that maybe Jesus lets little people hear things that big people don’t hear. She then proceeded to tell me that her daddy often talks to her at night. I asked what he says. Without hesitation, she said, “He yells, ‘I love you more, Carley.’ ” Wow. That’s all I can say.

That little girl misses her daddy. But she has such an amazing way of keeping him right in front of us. Thanks for letting me share. Sharing is so healing.

An Amazing Gift

Back in November, Stefan had a most unique conversation with my sister, Sharon. He had used less medication for that day, and she drove up to talk to him while he was still alert. He so wanted to get me a Christmas gift. And he didn’t think he would be here at Christmas time. Oh, how he tried, though. And he almost made it. So, on that day, he spoke with her and they tried to come up with an idea. He knew he wanted something special. My sister said the idea just came to her. She asked him what he thought of having his wedding ring made into a ring for me. He loved the idea. So, that started the process of visiting a jeweler and looking through pages of designs. Once she settled on a design, the jeweler got to work remaking his ring. I didn’t receive the ring at Christmas as my sister was afraid to do anything while Stefan was still here. And then things got crazy for a little while after that. Well, on Easter Sunday, I was presented with the most beautiful ring. It is a ring using all the gold from his ring and the diamonds as well. It so reminds me of his ring, but is so feminine as well. My sister had it wrapped up with a simple note that said, “Love you, Babe.” She thought that so sounded like something Stefan would say. She was 100% correct. I can hear him saying that now. So, when you see me, ask to see the ring. I love it and am so proud to wear it and show it off!! So, thank you to my wonderful husband who tearfully made that decision that day to give his wife an amazing gift that will always be treasured. And, thank you to my sister who so wonderfully carried out his wishes.